


The Cycle of the Sunflower

by NotThatIWillEverWriteIt



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Angst, Chronic Illness, Fanart, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Triad - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-04 18:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17903621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt/pseuds/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt
Summary: The shirtless stranger slumped in the stool glanced up when he heard the approaching steps scrape against the cobblestones. Guan Shan halted in front of the porch, and for a while, they just looked at each other in silence.“Why are you back?”“I’m out.”Mo’s family flower shop and He Tian’s tobacco shop were separated only by a couple of meters, but you could fit a lifetime’s worth of pain, resentment, and regret between the owners.





	1. Prologue – seeds in the wind

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time taking these boys down the AU road, and it was both difficult and exciting. It was also the first time I tried illustrating my own story. I haven't done any arting since my high school days. There will also be art by _real_ artists, and they will be credited in their respective chapter notes. 
> 
> It should also be mentioned that I got the idea of sunflowers from [guanshanbabyfox](http://guanshanbabyfox.tumblr.com/) when I was asking people what flower they thought Guan Shan would be.
> 
> **Read and review <(_ _)>**

When Guan Shan’s mother started to overshare his embarrassing childhood photos with Jian Yi while they waited for the hair dye to do its thing, it was his cue to take the trash out. The lid of the bin clattered loudly in the quiet alley between the buildings, and a soft, salty breeze from the sea caressed his sun-kissed skin. Yet another baking hot summer was coming to an end, and the nights were starting to fall darker and darker. The oncoming autumn could be smelled in the air even though the nights were still warm.

The monthly hair care visits got to his nerves, but it never took Jian Yi and his work tales long to make his mother laugh with tears in her eyes. If she could get her mind off their worries even for one night, it was a win in his books.

Just as he was about to turn back, he caught a glimpse of dim light shining from across the street. The porch lamp of the small cigarette shop was on, and someone was sitting under it on the stool where the old man who owned the store usually napped during the days.

With growing suspicion, Guan Shan hid in the shadows and edged closer to where the alley was cut by the main street. It was difficult to make out the face of the stranger, but when the dull light hit the black of his hair and a smoldering cigarette, Guan Shan knew exactly who it was. His mouth set in a hard line, and he stepped out of the shadows.

The shirtless stranger slumped in the stool glanced up when he heard the approaching steps scrape against the cobblestones. Guan Shan halted in front of the porch, and for a while, they just looked at each other in silence. The only sounds were the moths and bugs snapping against the porch light.

The man’s right eye was well on its way to swell shut and his upper body was covered in nasty bruises. He had wrapped a roll of gauze clumsily around his middle, and it seemed his ribs were bruised by how gingerly he drew on his cigarette. The fierce fire-spitting dragon tattoo on his shoulder had gotten life-like coloring from scratches and cuts. 

Guan Shan’s eyes locked onto a raw wound on his chest where there had used to be another, much smaller tattoo.

“They sure did a number on you.”

Carefully the man adjusted on the stool and leaned his back on the stone wall with a grimace. 

“Could’ve been worse.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I bought this place.”

Guan Shan squinted his eyes and took a suspicious look around. “What happened to the old man?”

“Don’t worry, I made it worth his while. He got a pretty penny out of this shack to spend on his early retirement. Besides,” he nodded at the small cardboard box at his feet, “I promised to take on the freeloader he’d found.”

Guan Shan took a wary peek into the box and found a small, golden-brown puppy nestled in a blanket that had been folded to line the box from the inside. Its eyes were barely opened slits, and its tiny head struggled to rise under the heavy blanket.

“Some asshole had left him to die in a ditch.”

Guan Shan crouched down to stroke the puppy, and on instinct, it started suckling on his finger.

“Why are you back?”

“I’m out.”

“Just like that?”

“Does it _look_ like it was ‘just like that’?”

“And you came here? What for?”

“I told you I’d come back.”

Carefully Guan Shan tucked the blanket more comfortably around the puppy. His flipflops scraped against the pavement in the quiet night when he stood up to tower over the man in the stool.

“There’s nothing for you here,” he said and stared down at the battered face. 

When the man didn’t rise to his bait but just kept smoking his cigarette, Guan Shan’s chest filled with squeezing tightness.

“If you’re looking for forgiveness, you’ve come to a wrong place. I will _never_ forgive you. If you honestly thought getting the family brand shaven off was gonna make it all good, you’re even more delusional than I thought. All that shit’s gonna be on your conscience for the rest of your sorry life, and that’s the only payback I’ll ever be satisfied with.”

The dark-grey eyes narrowed but remained unwavering under Guan Shan’s hard stare. 

“Whatever they took, I’m gonna get it all back for you.”

Guan Shan sneered cruelly. “You’re about a lifetime too late for that.”

When the man fell silent again and just stared back at him, Guan Shan spun on his heels and strode off. Half-blind with feelings he didn’t have a name for, he stumbled across the street. When he finally reached the cover of the shadows, he slumped against the wall and pressed his palm so hard against the rough stone surface the little uneven bumps threatened to pierce the skin and sink into the soft flesh.

“There you are!” Jian Yi said when Guan Shan opened the front door and almost bumped into him. “Your ma almost sent me looking for you.”

Grateful for the darkness of the entryway and the fact that Jian Yi was an idiot, Guan Shan brushed past him and kicked his flipflops off into the pile of shoes in the corner. The house smelled of sharp hair dye, sweet shampoo, and hot air recycled by the blow-dryer. 

“You done?”

“Yup.” He eyed the top of Guan Shan’s head and reached to run his fingers through the locks. “You want me to trim your ends real quick? It looks overgrown again.”

Guan Shan slapped the hand away. “Did she pay you already?”

“She promised me the leftover sunflowers. So, let me know when the sales are done, okay?”

He growled in agreement and leaned against the doorframe to watch Jian Yi pack his haircut and dying kits.

“You need a ride home?”

“Nope, Xixi is waiting for me at the bus stop.”

For such an untidy and messy bastard that Jian Yi was, he sure looked after his tools with care. Carefully he dried off the washed scissors, combs, pins, thick brushes, and plastic cups and arranged them precisely in their rightful cases and straps. Watching him work was almost hypnotic and weirdly satisfying.

“Hey,” he said, and Jian Yi looked up at him from his packing, “you want a job other than cutting hair?”


	2. Seedlings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The header art is done by me. You can reblog it **[here](https://notthatiwilleverwriteit.tumblr.com/post/183018167279/the-shirtless-stranger-slumped-in-the-stool)**.

As long as Guan Shan could remember, the days of the sowing had always dawned the same. The late spring sun barely reaching the horizon so early in the morning, and its pale rays not yet casting much warmth. Thick grey mist hanging low over the sea looking like it was alive and could swallow the small town to its endless pit.

He had hated the sowing days as a kid and dawdled in the cold puddles in his oversized boots until his mother had had to drag him to the car by his hand. He had whined and complained, but she had just silently crammed him in the van between father and herself with the heavy breakfast basket.

While his parents had worked hard at the field, he had sat in the mud in sullen defiance. At breakfast time, his mother had conjured his favorite – sweet bao buns – out of the basket and lured him to join them until he finally gave in. By the time they had finished the meal, he had forgotten all about not wanting to go.

Now, years later, Guan Shan was looking at the same crispy, clear sky and shivered in the chilly morning. The days of kicking and screaming were long gone.

A couple of old fishermen were holding their morning court on the street on their way down to the docks. They nodded their greetings at him when started loading the seed boxes into the van. Guan Shan could smell the bait in the buckets swinging from the handles of their bikes.

“You’re up early,” one of them said. “Where you headed?”

“To the field.”

“You better hurry then,” another fisherman said and looked up at the clear skies. “It looks like rain.”

“Sure does,” the first man said, and the rest of them concurred in murmurs.

“Well, we should leave you to it. Wish a good harvest for your mother from us, will ya!”

The men waved their good days. Their heavy rubber boots scraped the cobblestone street and the fishing rods waggled in the air as they kicked their bikes onwards and hurtled downhill.

“Be sure to dress warmly,” his mother said and stepped out in her old robe that had her softness and scent imprinted in it. “I’ll have breakfast ready when you come back, sweet buns and pancakes. Now hurry up, I’m sure your father is waiting for you. He must’ve left early before I got up.”

“Yeah.” Guan Shan turned to cup her warm cheek and pressed a gentle peck on her forehead. “I won’t take long, okay? Jian Yi will come and open the shop in an hour. You remember where my phone number is if anything happens?”

His mother looked at him confused. “Of course, I do. It’s on the fridge door like always.”

“And He Tian is across the street if you need something.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said with a smile that deepened the wrinkles around her almond eyes. “What would happen? Now go, and wish a happy season to the Wangs from me, okay?”

“I’ll be sure to do that.”

Nowadays, it was the old van that whined and complained about leaving so early in the morning as Guan Shan maneuvered it through the narrow streets and slowly waddled between the buildings. The suspension creaked as the tires sunk into the potholes, and the breaks shrieked even if he barely pushed the pedal. He prayed the gods the thing would carry him through at least one more summer. He can’t afford to fix it until the season was done.

Fortunately, the Wangs’ farm wasn’t far from the town. They were the biggest sunflower grower in the prefecture, and the Mo’s flower shop had bought their product for as long as Guan Shan could remember. For a couple of years now, Guan Shan had planted his seeds by himself. Money was tight and constant worry, and it was cheaper to rent some field and do all the work himself. Even though he didn’t wish to leave his mother alone even for a while.

By the time Guan Shan made it back, Jian Yi had rolled the metal rack in front of the shop up and was pitching the SALE sign about the winter flowers on the street. Guan Shan unloaded the empty seed boxes out of the car and carried them to the back of the shop.

“I’ll get something to eat and come down soon,” he said to Jian Yi and brushed the dirt off the gloves on his jacket. “You can go make the deliveries then.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Bossman,” Jian Yi chimed and gave him a mock salute.

“God, you’re so annoying right off the morning. Anything happen while I was gone?”

“Nope, all’s good.”

Guan Shan released a silent sigh of relief.

“Oh, it’s that time of the year already?” came a slow drawl. “I guess summer is finally upon us, thank god.”

“Yeah, that usually happens after spring,” Guan Shan said and tried his hardest not to glare at the tall man standing across the narrow street in his usual attire of sweatpants, wifebeater, and flipflops.

“Good morning, little Mo,” the man said and smirked at him over his steaming mug of coffee.

“ _Morning_ was two hours ago. And don’t call me that.”

Suddenly annoyed and in a bad mood, Guan Shan grumbled about lazy bastards under his breath and snatched the morning newspaper that Jian Yi had rescued from the damp morning off the counter. Before heading upstairs, he rinsed off his muddy boots and slipped into his comfortable sneakers neatly arranged at the backdoor.

“Did you fight with He Tian again?” his mother asked when he slammed the door to their living quarters and tossed the newspaper on the small coffee table that also functioned as their dinner table. “You shouldn’t fight on the day of the sow, it’s bad luck.”

“The guy just gets on my nerves, I can’t help it.”

“He’s a nice young man. Always so polite.”

“Yeah, to you,” Guan Shan muttered. “Have you eaten yet?”

“I thought I’d wait for you. Sowing days are always a bit special, aren’t they?”

“Mom, you should’ve gotten at least something. You can’t take your vitamins in an empty stomach or you’ll get queasy, remember?”

“Yes, yes, I’ll eat with you, don’t worry. Sometimes you’re just like your father.”

While she was setting the table for three – like she always did – Guan Shan took the red round pill organizer out of the top kitchen drawer and shook her morning dose into a small plastic cup. One time his mother had become disoriented and drowsy all of a sudden and it had turned out she had been popping her daily medicine instead of painkillers all day for her headache. It had taken them a trip to the hospital, and after that Guan Shan had installed a lock on the drawer and made sure to keep the key with him at all times.

“Here, take your vitamins with the food.”

Obediently she knocked the cup back, and the little pills rattled into her mouth. With a grimace and a few sips of water, she swallowed them.

“I wonder if I can stop taking these now that summer is finally coming.”

“You remember what the doctor said, right? Little extra vitamins can’t hurt.”

“Well,” she said and looked at the now empty cup, “I suppose you’re right.”

Guan Shan shoved a whole bun into his mouth and munched happily as the sweet filling burst in his mouth.

“The buns are really good. Just like you always made them.”

Her face lit up, and she reached to brush his red hair.

“You need a haircut,” she said and combed her thin fingers through the hair. “Now, eat your breakfast and take your father’s plate downstairs for him. I tried to find him, but I guess he’s gone to take the deliveries already.”

“Yeah,” Guan Shan said quietly. “Don’t worry about it, ma.”

He poured a fresh cup of coffee and balanced the food down the stairs to the shop. Jian Yi was serving an early customer and wrapping her a bouquet of daylilies. In the middle of all the greyness, the bright yellow of the flowers was refreshing alongside with the sunny smile Jian Yi flashed every as he chatted with her. Even his blond ponytail bounced all perky and happy.

“Have a nice day! Bye, bye~!” he said and waved the woman goodbye.

“I brought you breakfast,” Guan Shan said once the woman left. “You don’t have a lot of deliveries today so you can spare a few minutes.”

“It’s okay, I already ate!” Jian Yi loosened the green apron and handed it to Guan Shan. “Your mom’s pancakes sure are delicious. I wish I could have them every day, but mine just burn and Xixi gets angry when the smoke alarm goes off.” He pouted at the memory until his face brightened up again. “Why don’t you take those to He Tian? I’m sure he hasn’t eaten anything suitable for breakfast yet.”

“I’d rather feed this to the alley cats than him.”

“Uh-huh.” Guan Shan ignored the knowing arch of Jian Yi’s almost non-existent eyebrows. “Well, do what you want, I guess. I’m off, ta-ta!”

“Go, and don’t dilly-dally this time!” he barked after him, but Jian Yi just waved his hand. Soon Guan Shan heard him coax the van to life once again and trundle off.

Just his luck to be surrounded by bastards too cheerful for their own good on a daily basis. He sighed to himself and fastened the apron behind his back. Armed with a broom and an angry frown, he headed out to finish the morning chores and almost had a heart attack when a golden-brown dog suddenly was in front of him, wagging his tail so eagerly his whole body was shaking and trying to jump to lick Guan Shan’s face.

“Gengi, down,” came a command from the small plastic chair they always set outside the shop with a round table in the summer. “C’mere.”

The dog spun around on the spot and sat obediently in front of He Tian who was sprawled in one of the chairs and awarded the dog with a couple of scratches behind his ears.

“Fuck,” Guan Shan breathed and tried to resist the urge to clutch his chest like an old man. “You scared the crap out of me. What the hell do you want?”

He Tian let his head lull to the side lazily, and the tips of his overgrown black hair brushed the colorful dragon head that peeked under the wifebeater on his shoulder.

“I heard something about breakfast,” he said and flashed his familiar devilish smile.

“Well, you heard wrong.” Guan Shan swept He Tian’s feet with the broom. “Now, scram! Don’t you have your own shop to look after?”

“It’s doing just fine, as you can see. I, on the other hand, am famished. Too weak to serve my precious customers.”

“And what a horrible thing that would be. To deny people their daily dose of tar to inhale into their lungs.”

“Hey,” He Tian spread his hands in mock apology, “if they’re not getting it from me, they’ll get it from someone else. But I admit, I’d much rather sell pretty things like flowers.”

Guan Shan scoffed. “You can barely look after yourself. I wouldn’t trust even a houseplant in your care. How that dog of yours is still alive is beyond me.”

“What are you talking about? Gengi is the happiest dog you can find in the whole prefecture. Aren’t ya?”

The dog perked up at the mention of his name and licked He Tian’s palm with a wide, pink tongue. Playfully He Tian tried to grab the dog’s muzzle and wrap his long fingers around it.

“Whatever. I’m busy and tired, so leave me alone.”

“Early morning, huh? I saw you leave.”

“Some of us have to work for our living. Unlike _some_ , I don’t have the luxury of a rich family that owns the whole damn street so I can spend my days playing shop.”

He Tian visibly stiffened up, and his playful, teasing smile flattened into cold blankness. His ridiculous flipflops scraped angrily against the pavement as he pushed himself up. Guan Shan squeezed the broom and hesitantly backed off half a step.

“Gengi, come.”

The dragon on He Tian’s shoulder roared mutely at Guan Shan as the pair crossed the couple of meters that separated their houses with a few quick strides. Guan Shan was left squeezing the broom with a vague uneasiness gnawing at his insides.

The first cold drops of rain for the day hit the top of Guan Shan’s head and forearms, and he flinched back to reality. Quickly he dragged the few crates of sale flowers under the shelter and swept the traces of soil and pieces of trash the night had brought over.

Rainy days were hardly their busiest, but as a kid, he had always liked it the best when it was coming down outside. When everything was grey and cold, the deep yellow lamps of their little shop shone through the veil of rain like an oasis. Passers-by had come in damp and miserable to wait out the shower but left with a bag of flowers and a smile on their face.

“Flowers have magic powers,” his father had always told him. “They can turn a bad day into a good one and bring warmth in the coldest of rooms. You give a flower to anyone and make them feel special and good inside.”

On many of those rainy days, Guan Shan had sat behind the counter on a little stool and watched his father work but as far as he had been concerned, he had never caught any magical flowers.

They certainly hadn’t had any powers when the stern-faced man in an expensive-looking suit had come to talk to his father and a few days later he had left them. Or when mother had cried at nights in the kitchen when she had thought he was asleep. Or when Guan Shan had had to quit the apprentice he had worked very hard to get and come back home because mom had begun to forget the stove on too many times for her age.

Angrily he grabbed the bunch of roses and trimmed the stems with the chunky pruning shears. The spikes snapped and crunched under his thick working gloves, and he took some strange joy in knowing they couldn’t get to him. Stupid flowers. Stupid He Tian. Stupid fath –

“Guan Shan, what is this plate doing here? How many times have I told you not to bring food down to the store? Eat your breakfast in the kitchen, good grief.”

His mother had come down and was adjusting a bag on her shoulder. She had done her reddish hair pretty and covered it from the rain with a light silk scarf his father had gotten for her in their anniversary ages ago.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“Mrs. Huang called and invited me for tea. She’d like me to help her plan for her garden this summer. I took the rest of the buns and pancakes with me, so you need to whip something up for lunch.”

“I’ll take you there,” Guan Shan hurried to suggest and took off his gloves. “Just wait for a little while until Jian Yi comes back. Or I can close the shop.”

“Nonsense,” she said and waved him off. “It’s just a couple of blocks.”

“But it’s raining.”

“It’s barely a drizzle. And I have my umbrella with me.” She pointed at the see-through umbrella hanging from her elbow.

“But – let me just – “

She interrupted him with a small sad smile. “I was a little silly this morning again, wasn’t I?”

When Guan Shan couldn’t find the right words to answer, she cupped his cheek and reached up to kiss his forehead softly. He could smell a waft of her perfume.

“It’s okay, I’m feeling fine now. I have my cellphone with me, and I’ll call when I get there, so you don’t need to worry, okay?”

“Fine,” he agreed reluctantly.

“Good boy,” she said and ruffled his hair. “Why don’t you give that extra breakfast to He Tian, huh? I’m sure that’d make him happy. It’s bad lu – “

“ – bad luck to fight on the sowing day,” Guan Shan muttered and rolled his eyes. “I know, I know.”

By the time he was done with the morning chores, the rain had picked up and the puddle in front of the shop had overflown and formed a mega puddle with other smaller ones. Jian Yi had come back from his deliveries soaking wet and shivering. Guan Shan left him to look after the shop with a towel and a cup of tea before going off for another kind of home delivery.

Just like the flower shop, He Tian’s cigarette store was a part of the long line of plastered brick houses reaching as high as two and three stores. It was a tiny hole in the wall kiosk – smaller than Guan Shan’s shop – with cramped living space upstairs. The front door of the store was always open, and the rows upon rows of colorful cigarette packets covering the walls could be seen to the street.

Guan Shan pulled the back of his T-shirt over his head and quickly leaped over a giant puddle and across the street before the rain could soak him through. Gengi was napping in his usual spot on the ragged rug on the pavement porch. He treated the dog a cold pancake and gave the floppy ears a generous scratching. He Tian himself was slumped on one of the rickety wooden stools, his eyes closed and leaning against the brick wall with his hands behind his head.

“Here, your breakfast,” Guan Shan said and slammed the plateful of leftovers on the little table.

“I must say, your delivery is slow. I ordered this hours ago,” He Tian drawled without even bothering to open his eyes.

“Whatever. It’s food and it’s edible. That’s a rare two-out-of-two for you.”

He Tian’s eyes slithered open, and his thin lips quivered into a knowing smirk. Guan Shan could almost see the devil’s horns growing out of his head.

“Don’t get any ideas, this is only for the good harvest. And I know your ass hasn’t had anything else than coffee today.”

“I didn’t realize you cared that much about me, little Mo.”

“Just shut up and eat before I change my mind,” Guan Shan muttered and took a careful seat on the other stool that creaked and wobbled under him.

He Tian attacked the food like he had never seen any in his life and devoured his first thick pancake in two big bites. Guan Shan doubted he even managed to chew, let alone taste them properly before swallowing. The sweet buns disappeared into his mouth in one piece, and his cheeks bulged out like a squirrel. The plate was licked clean in record time.

“That hit the spot,” he said around a satisfied burp and fumbled for a pack of cigarettes on the table. His lighter was almost out of juice and struggled in the damp weather but finally managed to cough up a flame.

“You should learn how to cook.”

He Tian relaxed against the wall again and enjoyed his post-meal smokes almost like he was half asleep. “You should teach me.”

“Hell will freeze over before I’ll try that again. Besides, I don’t know even half the things mom does. She’s the one who taught me.”

“I’d be embarrassed to let her know her son-in-law can’t cook.”

“He – Wh – What nonsense are you spouting again?!”

“Hush now, little Mo. Listen to the rain.”

Guan Shan rolled his eyes and stared at the transparent veil of rain hitting the pavement with heavy splashes. The lights of the flower shop shone through the shower, and he could make out Jian Yi sitting at the counter and playing with his phone. The rain enhanced the smell of the pavement and mixed with the heavy, almost overwhelming aroma wafting from inside the cigarette shop.

With a sigh Guan Shan let his head fall against the wall and eyelids slide shut. The heavy field work of the morning set in his muscles and made his limbs grow heavy now that he had sat down for a minute. The drum of the rain sounded almost like hypnotizing lullaby once you stopped to listen to it.

A big hand came to ruffle the top of his head, and Guan Shan could smell the stinging aroma of tobacco. Before pulling away the hand slid down to stroke his cheek gently, and he allowed himself to lean slightly against the warm, calloused touch.

“I’ll leave the light on for you tonight,” He Tian said before the cigarette packet rustled, and the lighter clinked again.


	3. The Harvest

When the other kids on his class had spent their summers swimming and buying ice cream and firecrackers with their pocket money, Guan Shan was loading and unloading heavy crates of sunflowers that were finally ready to be sold. The summer season was short, so they needed to take full advantage of it to carry the business through winter. 

Even as a kid, Guan Shan had understood everyone needed to work for the family livelihood – that principle had been hammered into his head from a very young age – but it hadn’t always felt fair. Especially after father had gone away and it had been just his mother and him doing the heavy lifting. 

One summer as a teenager he had snuck out the night before the first harvest day. He and his friends had spent the night at the beach and gotten drunk. At dawn, he had slinked back home shivering, sick with hungover and his clothes covered in sand. Mom had been angry at him and grounded him. Guan Shan had sneered at her face and spat that she and her flowers could go fuck themselves. That was the only time his mother had slapped him.

“Phew, these late trips sure are brutal. I’m dying,” Jian Yi said and slumped down to sit on one of the empty crates and wiped his sweaty face on his T-shirt. “Was that the last of it?”

Guan Shan straightened his sore back and looked at the sea of deep yellow and black that covered every spare inch of the shop floor. He counted the crates they had harvested this evening for tomorrow’s sales. The season had started today, and the first patch had sold like hotcakes, and they had almost run out. This time he had wanted to double the crates since some people had already ordered deliveries for tomorrow.

“Do you think this is enough?” he said to his mother who was carefully inspecting if the rough van ride had bruised any of the flowers.

“This should be plenty. You counted the deliveries beforehand, right?”

“Yeah, I – “ Something sharp poked Guan Shan’s back painfully, and he turned to glare.

“Coming through,” He Tian said and pushed past him. “Found one more box. The van’s empty now.”

“Bless your sharp eyes. Imagine if we had left it there for the night!”

Guan Shan squinted at his mother doting on He Tian who accepted the praises with a sweet smile which only Guan Shan could see through, it seemed. It was just one box, not like he had cured cancer.

“I’m just happy I could help is all.”

“You certainly did that. Thank you so much for your time again. We’re so lucky to have a generous neighbor like you.” She turned to look at Guan Shan sulking at the doorway. “Don’t you agree, Guan Shan? Shouldn’t you be thanking him, too?”

“There’s no need, Mrs. Mo, I know he’s grateful.” He Tian smirked at him over her shoulder. “Aren’t ya, little Mo?”

Guan Shan struggled to swallow the curses at the tip of his tongue. Struggled hard. 

“Yeah, thanks.”

“You boys will stay for dinner, right? You’ve both worked hard today, let’s have a little feast.”

“Yay, a feast!” Jian Yi sprung to his feet, suddenly revived. “Mama Mo’s cooking! I’m _starving_.”

She smiled at his enthusiasm. 

“You can help me in the kitchen. But first, let’s get you cleaned up. You’re covered in mud from head to toe, and look at your beautiful blond hair. All tangled.” 

She brushed the wisps of Jian Yi’s hair that had escaped his bun and glued against his forehead by sweat. Jian Yi beamed under special attention like a little kid.

“Actually, I have a grilled chicken I bought today. I could bring it over,” He Tian suggested.

“Oh, no, we couldn’t possibly eat your food.”

“It’s okay, I bet you could make it ten times more delicious. I’d just eat it cold and waste a perfectly good chicken.”

“Eh?”

“It’s true, he would,” Guan Shan said when his mother hesitated. “It’s much better off eaten by us.”

“I suppose it’s fine, then. Jian Yi will help with the food, so why don’t you boys get the garden table and some chairs ready in the backyard?”

Guan Shan muttered something about managing by himself, but his grumblings were soundly ignored. While his mother ushered Jian Yi upstairs, Guan Shan set to work and hauled the garden furniture out of their winter storage. A mismatched set of chairs – some as old as Guan Shan himself – and a wobbly, round table. A moment later the wooden gate to their backyard creaked and he was joined by He Tian and Gengi who immediately trod across the yard to greet Guan Shan. He Tian was carrying the chicken and a basket of drinks with him.

After they were done arranging a small setup for their late dinner Guan Shan slumped down in one of the chairs and grimaced when his sore muscles tried to relax. He Tian sat next to him and handed him a sweating bottle of beer. Together they drunk in big, thirsty gulps.

“Your grass needs cutting.”

“Knock yourself out,” Guan Shan said and closed his eyes that stung from all the sun and dust.

“Are you gonna do another pickup tomorrow?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Come on, don’t be like that, little Mo.”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”

“At least once more.”

Guan Shan cracked his eyes open and looked at the early dusk painting the sky with shades of purple and warm yellow. The remaining heat from the midday still hung in the air and stilled the evening. A group of neighborhood kids ran in the street, and their laughing and playing carried to the backyard.

“Do what you want but don’t expect me to owe you anything. You’re in no position to make demands to me.”

He Tian glanced at him and for a moment it looked like he was about to say something but decided otherwise. Instead, he chugged the last of his beer, grabbed the chicken and disappeared inside. Guan Shan let out a breath he just noticed he had been holding and loosened his grip around his bottle. 

His mother had truly worked her magic with the grilled chicken and whatever leftovers they had had in the fridge. The little garden table groaned with all kinds of savory snacks (small sandwiches, chicken salad, soft boiled eggs, rice, and pancakes, and fresh whipped cream and fruit for dessert). For a while, the backyard fell silent when everyone was stuffing their faces and munching happily. Gengi circled around the diners in hopes for treats, and Jian Yi fed him almost as much food as he ate himself.

After the meal, she sat down with some tea to listen to them talk, but soon her head started nodding off. Careful not to wake her Guan Shan draped his jacket over her.

He Tian dug out his battered pack of cigarettes and leaned back in his chair to enjoy his post-dinner bliss. Jian Yi stared at him in awe when he puffed out little smoke rings.

“Whoa, I’ve always wanted to do that. Can you show me?”

He Tian shook out a cigarette out of the packet and was halfway handing it out to Jian Yi. 

“Su – “

“No, he won’t,” Guan Shan said and snatched the cigarette out of He Tian’s hand. “You’re the kinda idiot who will get hooked, and I am not paying you for taking smoke breaks every five minutes.” He glared at He Tian for good measure. “Keep your cancer rolls to yourself.”

He Tian chuckled and pulled the smokes away from the disappointed Jian Yi’s reach. “You better listen to your mom, kid.”

“And you better keep the tattoos limited, too.” Guan Shan frowned. “Don’t think I didn’t notice your arm.”

“But doesn’t it look good, though?” Jian Yi eagerly presented the black tribal tattoo on his left forearm. “Xixi finally did it for our anniversary. I’m already thinking of getting another one. You should get one, too!” He beamed at Guan Shan. “You kinda have a skin for them, all pale and smooth.”

Guan Shan frowned. “What the fuck are you talking about? And you better cover that thing at work. I don’t want people to think our shop is run by some thugs.”

“This is not a thug tattoo.” Jian Yi rolled his eyes. “That,” he pointed at the dragon on He Tian’s shoulder, “is a thug tattoo. I’ve been meaning to ask, do you have any others?”

Guan Shan stiffened and carefully glanced at He Tian who appeared to be unphased by Jian Yi’s prying and just puffed more smoke rings.

“I do.”

Jian Yi’s eyes widened, and he leaned closer. “Really? Where? Are they all triad tattoos?”

“Shut up,” Guan Shan said. “It’s none of your business.”

“Why? I bet you’ve seen them real up close and personal plenty of times,” Jian Yi remarked. The beer he had been downing all evening had made him tipsy but also given him extra courage and cockiness.

Guan Shan’s eyes narrowed. “You better watch your mouth.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m lying. You think I don’t know about you and – Umph!“ 

Guan Shan’s hand shot out and grabbed Jian Yi’s face in an iron grip. His finger’s dug into the soft cheeks.

“I told you to shut up,” he growled. “Didn’t I?”

Jian Yi’s eyes watered from the tight pinch, and he glanced at He Tian for help, but he seemed to be more interested in observing than coming to his rescue.

“It’s true,” he said with a shrug, “he did warn you.”

“What time is it?” his mother said sleepily from her chair. She frowned at them confused. “What’s going on?”

Guan Shan let go of Jian Yi’s face, and he slumped back into his chair and massaged his sore cheeks. 

“Nothing, ma, I just helped him wipe his mouth. You know how messy he is.” He got up and offered to help her on her feet. “Come on, let’s get you to bed before you fall asleep here. It’s late already.”

“But I need to do the dishes and wrap up the food.”

“It’s okay, we’ll take care of that.”

She blinked drowsily at them and let out a little yawn. “You sure?”

“Leave it to us, Mrs. Mo,” He Tian said and put out his cigarette.

“You’re such good boys.” She smiled and allowed Guan Shan to help her up. She shivered in the cool night and wrapped Guan Shan’s jacket tighter around herself. “Jian Yi, be careful on your way home, okay?”

“I will, mama Mo! Thank you for the food.”

Slowly, arm in arm, Guan Shan walked her upstairs and laid out the bed for her. To his surprise, she had been energetic the whole day. It seemed old things like orders and quotas and pickups were in her mind sharp as a razor but with the new things she struggled. While Guan Shan tucked her in like a little child, she looked at him a bit confused with sleep hazed eyes.

“Isn’t your father back yet? He shouldn’t stay up too late.”

Guan Shan’s jaw clenched. “It’s okay, ma. Just go to sleep. I’ll tell him.”

His mother hummed in agreement, already more asleep than awake, and her face melted into blankness. Soon, her breathing evened out, and Guan Shan silently crept out the room. By the time he got back to the backyard, the food had been stored in containers and He Tian was stacking the chairs by himself.

“Where’s Jian Yi?”

“He left already. Someone came to pick him up.”

“Zhan Zheng Xi?”

“Didn’t ask his name, but they seemed familiar enough.”

Guan Shan rubbed his face tiredly. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad at him. He was drunk.”

“Don’t worry about it, he’s not the unforgiving type. He’s probably forgotten all about it by tomorrow.”

Guan Shan scratched the back of his neck. “Well, whatever. You can take the food if you want. Saves me the trouble of cooking for three tomorrow. Don’t forget to lock the gate when you leave.”

He turned on his heels and was about to sneak back inside when a dark shadow fell over him and a hand reached over his shoulder from behind to push the back door shut in front of his nose. Guan Shan tensed up as the strong smell of tobacco mixed with sweat surrounded him and tickled his senses.

“Don’t,” he half-whispered.

A strong arm sneaked around his middle and pulled him flush against a firm body. Cool fingers teased the hem of his T-shirt until dipping in to brush his warm stomach.

“Let me go.”

Hot breath puffed against Guan Shan’s neck and dry lips ghosted over his earlobe. 

“Can I come up?”

“Not tonight,” Guan Shan said and grabbed the forearm to try and push it away, but it only tightened its hold around him. 

Rough stubble scratched the sensitive skin of his neck, and a shiver ran down Guan Shan’s back. His eye fluttered and he barely managed to swallow the shudder of breath before it slipped out. 

“Then come to my place. It’s been too long. The sheets don’t have your scent anymore.”

“Good.”

With a deep sigh, a forehead dropped heavy to lean against his shoulder, and Guan Shan could hear the grinding of teeth. The hand clenched into a fist under his shirt.

“You’re cruel, little Mo.”

Guan Shan stared at the wooden surface of the back door and its flaky paint. “I’m not half as cruel as ugly people like you deserve.”

Instantly, the tension behind his back shifted in nature, and Guan Shan took careful, shallow breaths waiting for – expecting – an explosion. To be roughly turned around and made surrender. Surely, he had been keeping the devil himself on a short leash for long enough to ignite the reaction that would finally give him a reason and tip him towards the direction he wanted to want to go.

But instead of reaching the boiling point, the tension unraveled as quietly as it had built up. The muscular arm capturing him in place relaxed and slipped off. Cool night air flood in to fill the opening gap between them when He Tian pulled back half a step, and suddenly Guan Shan felt cold.

“You’re right,” He Tian said quietly, defeat in his voice. His cool fingertips reached to trace the back of Guan Shan’s thin neck like he was caressing some precious memento he was only allowed to admire from afar. “You should only surround yourself with beautiful things. Like those flowers of yours. Don’t ever let them taint you with the same kind of ugly I did.”

He Tian pushed himself off of Guan Shan and quietly called Gengi to follow. The gate creaked, and the sound of flipflops scraping against the pavement faded away into now silent the night. 

Guan Shan let his forehead thud against the coarse door and squeezed his eyes close against the stinging behind his eyelids.


	4. The Wilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The background of the art is done by me and the characters by the very lovely [Bisho-s](https://bisho-s.tumblr.com/). You can reblog the art **[here](https://notthatiwilleverwriteit.tumblr.com/post/183565692464/i-brought-you-breakfast-guan-shan-said-you)**.

 

The rumors about his father being in prison had soon spread like wildfire. One day a boy on his class had called his father a dirty criminal, and Guan Shan had punched him. The kid had stumbled backward and ended up with three stitches. The school had called his mother, and Guan Shan had felt sick to his stomach watching her apologize to the kid’s parents and the principal. On the way home, he had tearfully sworn to be good.

But he couldn’t have kept that promise. After that incident, other parents had warned their kids to stay away from him, but they had discovered a trick to provoke him. He would fight anyone and everyone, and the quiet talks in the principal’s office stretched longer and longer.

“I don’t need the vitamins today.”

Guan Shan was pulled back from his thoughts by his mother’s voice and found himself holding the familiar small plastic cup full of pills in front of her.

“Yes, you do. Remember what the doctor said?”

“You can tell the doctor I’m feeling fine, I don’t need them anymore.”

“Come on, ma. It’s just a couple of pills.”

“No,” she said and pushed his hand away.

Guan Shan frowned and counted to ten silently. She had had a pretty bad night – one of the worst ones for a long while, probably the whole summer – and he had barely caught a wink of sleep. She had been restless and gotten up to the kitchen multiple times. Every time Guan Shan had walked in on her going through the kitchen bin in her nightgown and saying something about needing to fix something for the kids. What kids she was talking about, Guan Shan had no idea.

Then there had also been the wet bedsheets the last time he had led her back to bed. That had never happened before.

“How about you try to take them with some tea, huh?”

“I don’t like tea, makes me queasy.”

“But you drink this every morning, remember? You always tell me to get this flavor.”

She paid no attention the tea Guan Shan was offering her but looked around the kitchen. She rocked restlessly in her chair and wrung her hands.

“Where are the kids? I need to fix them something.”

“What kids, ma? There are no kids.”

“I need to fix them something. Keep them out of the kitchen so they won’t get in the way.”

“Ma?” Guan Shan reached to touch her hands, and she looked at him without recognition. She was like a hazy dream of his mother, a reflection of some kind.

“What if I take the big ones out? There are – “ he rattled the pills in the cup “ – I think two big ones that you don’t need to take. But you need at least two of these smaller pills, okay?”

“I don’t need them. I’ve never taken medication in my life.”

“But the summer is almost over, and you need vitamins.”

“No, those are not mine.”

Guan Shan put the cup away where it couldn’t bother her anymore and scooped a spoonful of the white porridge.

“How about some breakfast, then? Are you hungry?”

He held the spoon in front of her, and she opened her mouth willingly.

“Is it good, ma? I made it just like you always did.”

Some of the watery rice stuck to the side of her mouth, and he swept it off with the spoon. It was very rarely she needed assistance in eating – usually only when she was having a bad day and was in a bad mood. After the difficult night, he had been dreading this. To his relief, she seemed hungry and ate without resistance.

When he had spoon-fed her about a third of the bowl, he snuck one of the small necessary tablets in with the food. Unsuspecting she accepted the spoonful but as soon as she detected the bitter taste of the pill, her mouth twisted into a grimace. She pushed the food out, and slimy white rice ran down her chin along with the medicine.

“No, no, you gotta swallow it, ma.”

Guan Shan hurried to catch the pill with the spoon and tried to snuggle it back into her mouth. She pursed her lips together and turned her head away. He followed her dodging persistently.

“Come on, you’re like a little kid.”

Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew he should just let it go for this morning. Just feed her, get her dressed, and sit her down in front of the shop to watch people going to work. The poorly slept night was getting on both of their nerves, and there was no need to add fuel to the irritation. Especially today.

But he kept pushing the spoon closer and she kept dodging it.

“Do you know how expensive these medications are? I’m not gonna waste this just because you don’t feel like it. C’mon, now, open wide.”

“ _No!_ ”

With one quick swing of her hand, she knocked the spoon from his hand and sent it flying. It hit the floor with a loud clatter, and white porridge spilled all over.

Irritation flared up inside him quick and hot. Clinging onto his last shreds of calmness, he got up and walked straight out the door and stomped down the stairs. Jian Yi had already come in and was in the middle of carrying crates outside.

“Morning!” he said with a smile which turned into a confused frown when he caught a glimpse of Guan Shan’s dark face. “What’s wrong?”

“Go watch her,” he said and fumbled for the half-empty cigarette packet and matchbox he kept hidden behind the cash register. “I need a smoke.”

“O-okay.”

He brushed past Jian Yi and strode around the corner where he was hidden from the people walking down the street. His solitary asylum when things got to be too much.

The dry rolling paper stuck to his lips, and the match let out a satisfying little scratch when he struck it. The flame almost burned his fingertips before he managed to ignite the cigarette. The first draw of strong, aromatic smoke irritated the back of his throat and made him cough so hard his eyes watered. It had been a while.

Every now and then, he thought back to those times when he couldn’t have kept himself out of trouble and his life had started to spiral slowly but surely. The memories would pop into his head unannounced and force him to think about his life. The what-ifs and could-have-beens.

Sometimes he even enjoyed wallowing in the bitter resentment. It was too easy and comforting to give in to the hate. It was satisfying and absolute. Father or son, they were all equally guilty and ugly in his eyes.

He leaned his back against the rough stone wall and drew on the cigarette again. Almost as if pulled by a magnet his gaze drifted to He Tian’s shop and the pavement porch where he and Gengi usually dozed off lazily in the sun. The morning was too early for him to be up and about yet, so both the little stool and the rug near it were vacant.

Guan Shan though about the mess waiting for him inside and the struggle of a day he still had ahead of him and found himself being vaguely disappointed.

“What the hell,” he muttered and, suddenly annoyed with himself, pushed off the wall and crushed the cigarette bud under his sneaker.

What awaited him around the corner halted his steps and plummeted his already sour mood. There were two men in front of the shop; one with black hair and another one with blond. Both were tall and well built.

Every second Tuesday of the month, like clockwork.

The blond man caught a glimpse of Guan Shan and tapped the other one silently on the shoulder.

“You’re late,” Guan Shan spat and brushed past them into the empty shop. “I told you to come before the opening hours.”

The men followed him inside, and the blond one stationed himself at the door. Guan Shan opened the cash register with a clang and started counting the bills while sneaking wary glances of the men. The black-haired man spotted a crate of sunflowers with a bring SALE board that hadn’t been taken outside yet. For a while, he just looked at the flowers before reaching his hand and carefully feeling the silky-waxy petals between his fingers.

Guan Shan glared at him from behind the counter. “You damage anything, and you buy it.”

“I didn’t see your mother outside. Is she unwell?”

“Here,” Guan Shan banged the register shut and stiffly held out a stack of bills, “that should be all of it.”

The blond-haired man took the money and started counting it silently. Guan Shan averted his eyes. This was always the part he hated the most. To watch their hard work being shuffled in the wrong hands. After counting the money twice, he nodded at the black-haired man.

“How much for the remaining sunflowers?”

“Triple what it says there.”

The man glanced at him, but he seemed unphased by Guan Shan’s defiant attitude. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, the price just went up.”

“I see.”

He dug out a black leather wallet out of his breast pocket and paid the ridiculous price for the flowers. Guan Shan snatched the money and shoved it in his pocket before the man could change his mind.

The blond-haired man picked up the crate and headed out. Guan Shan wondered if he had ever heard him speak a word. Instead of following him, the black-haired man stopped to look out the big window to across the street where the cigarette shop stood quietly.

“How’s he doing?

Guan Shan followed his gaze. “Go ask him yourself. I’m not his keeper.”

“Is that so?”

The irritatingly knowing tone of his voice heated up Guan Shan’s cheeks.

“Tell me something,” he sneered before his brain could interfere. “How’s your father doing these days? Is he still broken up about his favorite son leaving the family business?”

In an instant, the room was filled with chilly tension. The man turned to look at him, and his cold, grey eyes nailed Guan Shan in his place. For a fleeting moment, he could recognize some of He Tian in that look.

“Careful now,” he said. “I’m not my brother. I sympathize with your family – our father made you pay a high price – but I’m not in the business of bleeding hearts. You’d be well advised to keep that in mind.”

Guan Shan steeled himself to hold his ground but after a while lowered his gaze. The palpable tension eased a little, and the black-haired man looked out the window again.

“Besides, it wasn’t because of me that he left. So, I think you’ve gotten your payback.”

The door to the upstairs clanked behind them, and his mother and Jian Yi came to the shop from the backroom. Jian Yi’s face darkened when he spotted the black-haired man.

“Oh. I didn’t realize we already had…customers.”

“He was just leaving.” Guan Shan glared at the black-haired man. “We’re done here, right?”

His mother smiled at the black-haired man and enveloped his hand between her own.

“I was just thinking about the other day when you’d come for the sunflowers! You almost missed the season.”

He returned her warm greeting politely and gave a small bow.

“I was lucky enough to catch the last ones. They’re beautiful as ever, Mrs. Mo.”

“I wish they bring you much joy before they start to wilt.”

“I’m sure they will. It was very good to see you, Mrs. Mo.” He gave her hands a little squeeze and bowed again. “Take care now.”

“You, too.” She waved after him as he walked out. “I wonder if he has a big garden because he always buys so much and year-round.”

“Who cares?” Guan Shan said. “At least he’s stupid enough to pay full prices for out of season products.”

She glanced at him sharply and almost felt like his mother again. “Guan Shan, that’s no way to talk about a loyal patron!”

“Sure, that you remember,” he muttered under his breath.

“Hey, how about that tea?” Jian Yi said and splashed the Thermos bottle he had been carrying at her. “It’s a beautiful morning, so why don’t you drink it outside?”

“That’d be lovely, thank you, dear.”

After Jian Yi set her up with the tea and morning paper to bask in the early morning sun he came back inside and closed the shop door carefully. With hands on his hips and a frown on his face, he looked at Guan Shan who was rummaging the shelves behind the counter.

“Did you get her to take her meds?”

“Some. She complained about having a headache, so I gave her a painkiller, too.”

“Good.”

“You shouldn’t talk to your mother like that. It’s not her fault.”

“I know it’s not.”

Guan Shan slammed the delivery book he had been looking for on the counter. Jian Yi sighed and brushed a few blond wisps behind his ear. His anger never lasted long.

“Bad morning?” he said.

“Bad morning and bad night.”

“You know, for what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing when you chose not to tell her who He Cheng really is. Makes it easier for all of us.”

“Yeah,” Guan Shan mumbled bitterly and tapped his pen sharply. “That’s me alright. All about doing the right thing.”

“You are. You’re a much better person than you give yourself credit for. How about I watch after her today and you’ll go do the deliveries and get some fresh air? What’s on the list this morning, Mr. Bossman, sir?”

An awkward silence fell in the room. Guan Shan told himself to say something back – thank him, at least, you idiot – but words stuck stubbornly in his throat. The only thing he seemed capable of was pretending to read the delivery book without really seeing anything.

“Shut up,” Guan Shan mumbled without any real heat.


	5. Regrowth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art was a commission by [t-tsarbaby](http://t-tsarbaby.tumblr.com/). The piece she made is so beautiful it tears me up a little. You can reblog it **[here](http://t-tsarbaby.tumblr.com/post/183098403619/a-commission-of-a-sunlit-soft-lil-mo-i-did-for)**.

After the buzz of the summer and rustle of the autumn, winter always came with a deafening silence. At nights, the frost seeped its slithers deeper and deeper into the ground and quietly froze all life from the root. Then one morning, the first snow would have covered the dead under its white blanket.

It was quiet that morning, too, when Guan Shan had found his mother lying in the bed oddly stiff and still. The reddish shade of her hair had looked faded, and her pallid skin had been cool to the touch even through the nightgown.

According to the doctors, she had suffered a massive stroke and died in her sleep. There would have been nothing to do even if he had noticed it earlier. More likely she would have spent the rest of her life shackled to a hospital bed in a near vegetative state. It was better to go peacefully in your own home, they said to him and closed the medical files on his mother for good.

Cold mornings had been foreboding the first snow for weeks, and it finally fell on the day of the funeral. Absent-mindedly Guan Shan remembered it had also snowed when the warden had called and told his father had collapsed in the breakfast line couple of years ago. Heavy white flakes had coated the heads and shoulders of their small party around the grave and the flower arrangements Jian Yi had helped him choose and prepare.

After the funeral, everywhere had become quiet. He woke up and went to bed in silence. It followed him down to the shop and awaited him upstairs at the end of every day. Before long, the silence had overtaken him, and there was only one place where he could go to fill the void with noise.

An early garbage truck thundered below the window, and its roars sounded too loud for the narrow street. The sheets behind Guan Shan’s back rustled and a warm arm sneaked under the blanket and hooked around his waist.

“Mornin’,” He Tian mumbled with sleep-thick voice.

“Mmm.”

“What time is it?”

Guan Shan reached for his phone on the old stool functioning as a nightstand next to the mattress.

“Almost six.” He read a few late-night messages from Jian Yi before flopping down to the pillow and rubbing the remains of sleep off his face. “I should get going.”

He Tian’s arm tightened its hold and body nuzzled closer against Guan Shan’s back.

“C’mon, it’s Sunday. Being awake this early on a Sunday is illegal.”

“I need to sort out the winter stocks and orders that should’ve been done weeks ago.”

“It’s always work with you, isn’t it?” He Tian groaned but gave in when Guan Shan loosened the embrace. “Let’s at least have breakfast together.”

Guan Shan scoffed. “You just want me to cook for you.”

The mattress dipped when he pushed himself to sit up on its edge. Cool morning air of the room rushed to meet his naked blanket-warm skin and made him shiver. A sore twinge shot up from his lower half and sent flashes of their previous night rushing through his head disturbing the silence.

He Tian rolled onto his back and with a soft smile looked at Guan Shan brushing his bed head.

Guan Shan glared at him. “What?”

“Nothin’.” The smile widened a little. “I’m just savoring the moment.”

“What moment?”

“When I get to wake up next to you.”

Guan Shan rolled his eyes and reached for his shirt on the floor. “Yeah, well, don’t get used to this. You just wore me out is all.”

“Me?” The smile turned into a smirk. “I don’t remember you having any trouble keeping up.”

“Shut up.”

Embarrassed and trying to hide the tint of his cheeks he yanked his shirt on. It had caught a familiar whiff of cigarettes and He Tian’s aftershave.

“Do you have anything edible in the fridge or should I just get someth – Oi!”

Taking full advantage of Guan Shan’s turned back, He Tian’s hand grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him back to bed. Nimbly he was captured in an embrace from behind, and his flailing arms were pinned against his sides.

“Stop messing around!”

“I just realized we’ve never had morning sex before,” He Tian purred and pressed his front against Guan Shan’s ass.

“Didn’t you have enough last night?!”

“What can I say, your face when you’ve just woken up is even cuter than usual. Can’t believe you’ve kept this from me all this time.”

Guan Shan struggled to free himself from the vice-like grip. “Let me go or you can forget about the breakfast!”

“How about we work up an appetite first?”

Dry lips brushed the back of his neck, and rough morning stubble scratched his skin. Shivers ran down Guan Shan’s back, and he squirmed under the tickling sensations.

“I don’t have time for this, I need to – “

A hand slid under the hem of Guan Shan’s shirt and ran over the kiss marks left there last night. Fingers pressed down on the sore hickeys, and the noise seeped deeper to the edges of the silence. His resistance weakened a little.

“Don’t go yet,” He Tian mumbled against his neck.

The hand slid down to knead Guan Shan over the boxers. This noise was softer. It trickled to fill the gaps between the harsher tones from the bruises like water poured into a glass full of ice cubes. Almost automatically he pushed against the warm palm to coax it to give him more.

“Fine,” Guan Shan said a bit out of breath, “but just a little while longer.”

The waistband of his boxers was edged down, and the sheets felt cool against his bare skin. He heard the winkle of the condom wrapper and He Tian spitting into his palm. A warm, calloused hand came to hold him by the hip. As the familiar white burning ache started building inside him, he muffled his gasps into the pillow.

He Tian kept whispering sweet distractions next to his ear until he had slowly pushed flushed against Guan Shan, but he could barely hear him through all the noise. Overwhelming it flowed into him and filled every nook and cranny like the roars of the truck a while ago. Blindly he reached back to dig his fingers into the soft flesh of He Tian’s thigh and just listened to it all.

 

**~~oOo~~**

The leftover noodles on the plate were glued together into a block that was hot on the outside and lukewarm on the inside. Suspiciously Guan Shan scraped off a few strips with his fork for closer inspection.

“What’s this?”

“Breakfast.”

Balancing a plate of his own He Tian flopped down on the mattress next to where Guan Shan had cocooned himself under the blanket.

He sniffed at the noodles and grimaced. “What the hell did you put in this? It smells funky.”

“Special sauce, my own recipe.”

Deciding he wasn’t that hungry after all Guan Shan put the plate on the floor. Quickly Gengi seized the opportunity and scarfed the food down with a couple board swipes of his tongue. Guan Shan suspected the dog had developed an iron stomach after living on his owner’s cooking his whole life.

He Tian didn’t bother with a fork but picked the noodles with his bare fingers and slurped them with a good appetite. Guan Shan propped his head on the pillow and watched him eat. Aimlessly his gaze traced the roaring dragon on the shoulder, swept over the bare chest that still had some of the summer’s tan, and finally locked onto the faded scar that broke the smoothness of the skin. A lifetime ago, there had been a small tattoo there.

“Do you want any of her stuff? Jian Yi and I went through the closets couple days ago.”

He Tian glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. Gengi had detected more food, and he was trying to keep his plate out of the dog’s reach by pushing him away with his elbow.

“I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s my place.”

“What’s supposed to mean?”

“I’m not family.”

“Neither is Jian Yi, but I let him pick whatever he wanted.”

He Tian scratched Gengi behind his ears and let the dog lick his fingers clean.

“Still.”

“Suit yourself. Most of it was trash anyway.”

“Did you keep anything?”

“Some.”

One evening after closing time Guan Shan had been awkwardly holding a stack of folded cardboard boxes and asked Jian Yi to help him with something upstairs. Together they had gone through her bedroom and sorted things into three piles: trash, donate and keep. He had ended up keeping a couple of old photos, her one and only necklace that didn’t have a fake gold coating, and the silk scarf his father had gotten for her.

“What are you gonna do with the shop?”

“What do ya mean what I’m gonna do with it?”

“Are you gonna keep it or…”

“Of course, I am.”

Blankness fell over He Tian’s face, and he reached for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand. With a couple of sharp taps, he fished one out and puffed at the filtered-end. The lighter clicked a couple of times until a flame swooshed to life.

Guan Shan had witnessed this almost religious ritual so many times he had come to know it by heart.

“Why’d ya ask?”

“No reason.”

Guan Shan frowned. “You’ve got something to say, then say it.”

His challenge was met with loaded silence and He Tian avoiding his eyes.

“Whatever,” he finally said and folded the pillow more comfortably under his head. “Wake me up in 10. I’m gonna take a quick shower and then head out.”

In silence, he stared at the bedroom wall and listened to He Tian drawing on his cigarette. When the bitter smoke started to fill the room, the window was cracked open and cold air rolled in. Early morning traffic was picking up on the street down below.

“I’ve been thinking of going away for the winter.”

Guan Shan scoffed into the pillow. “You’re gonna travel? With what money?”

“I’ve been saving up. It’s not much but I think it should be enough.”

“Where ya gonna go?”

“Somewhere where I don’t have to wear long sleeves for the next couple of months.”

“What about the store? I’m not going to run it for you.”

“I was actually gonna ask you to come with me.”

Guan Shan turned to frown at him. “What?”

“Yeah, imagine,” He Tian said and edged closer to him on the mattress. His arm came to rest warm and heavy over Guan Shan’s shoulders. “We could go anywhere. Wherever you want.”

“I can’t just drop everything and leave.”

“Why not? I’m sure Jian Yi is more than capable of holding the fort for a while.”

“That’s not – I don’t have that kind of money just lying around. With the winter sales, I can barely scrape by.”

“I told you, I’ve got money.”

“If I can’t afford to go on a trip, I sure as hell won’t make someone pay for me.”

“Then we could get work wherever we end up going. You can cook, right? We could even get you another apprentice. C’mon,” He Tian brushed the back of Guan Shan’s neck, “when was the last time you left this town?”

Guan Shan slapped the hand away and wiggled out from under the blanket and He Tian’s arm. Itchy with sudden irritation, he snatched his jeans off the floor and angrily yanked them on.

“If you wanna go, then go. No one’s stopping you.”

“What about what you want? Tell me, and I’ll give it to you, whatever it is.”

“For fuck’s sake, stop talking like that!”

Belt buckle clinking, Guan Shan sprung on his feet and started picking up his things scattered on the floor. Right on his heels, He Tian followed him out of the bed.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re on some kinda mission to – I don’t know! Whatever it is you think you have to do. It pisses me off.”

“Then just answer the question for your own sake. What do you want to do with your life?”

“Right now? I wanna find my socks and get outta here.”

“And then?” He Tian’s hand grabbed his elbow and his voice grew louder, insisting. “You’re gonna go home to your order lists? Delivery books? To the empty upstairs? You think your mother would’ve wanted you to waste your life standing vigil to her?”

_Slap._

Guan Shan’s palm stung from the smack. He Tian let go of his arm and carefully rubbed his reddening cheek. Time froze in the room while the rest of the world outside continued oblivious and uncaring.

“If you don’t want me to go, I won’t, but you’ve got to say it to my face,” his voice was quiet under the suddenly oppressive atmosphere. “I’m gonna take Gengi for his walk. You should get back to work.”

He brushed past Guan Shan frozen in the middle of the room, and a moment later the front door clanked loudly.

 

**~~oOo~~**

“You sure you don’t need to write this down?”

Jian Yi rolled his eyes.

“Would you relax! I’ve worked here for years, I know how to run things. Oi!” he called out over Guan Shan’s shoulder to He Tian. “You better drag him out or you’re gonna miss the bus.”

He Tian was tossing snowballs in the air for Gengi to catch and puffing his third cigarette. He hadn’t told them they had already missed the first bus and would have to wait half an hour for the next one.

“We’ll make it, just make sure you get everything.”

Guan Shan went back to ticking things off his list on the little notepad.

“Keep an eye on the bedroom radiator, it sometimes acts up in the winter. You know how to bleed a radiator, don’t you?”

“Umm…Sure.”

“I do,” Zhan Zheng Xi said. “Needs to be done almost every winter at our shop, too.”

“Don’t plow snow in front of the shed. It will flood the floor in the spring. Also, the van doesn’t have snow tires, so don’t even think about driving in the winter. Whatever you break you will fix or pay me back.”

“Yes, yes.”

Guan Shan’s eyes fell on the last item on his list, and he frowned.

“Hey,” he turned to say to He Tian, “go put Gengi in the back so he won’t try to come after you. We’re almost done here.”

He Tian called for the dog and led it through the shop to the backroom that had his rug and leftovers from the breakfast waiting for him. For the time being, he would be greeting the flower shop’s customers and eating someone else’s cooking.

Guan Shan made sure they had disappeared in the back before going on. He glanced at both Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi.

“You, uh, you both know about the…extra terms that come with this place?”

“You mean the monthly visits? Yeah, we know.”

“And you still wanna do this?”

Mutely Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi exchanged looks before Jian Yi folded his arms and nodded at him.

“This place is like a second home to me. I’ve always been welcomed and accepted here, so yeah, I’m ready to put up with all the extra crap.”

Awkwardly Guan Shan reached to scratch the back of his neck, but his fingers poked the patch of protective plastic wrap covering the new tattoo instead.

“Yeah, well, He Cheng is a bastard but…,” he glanced at the backdoor, “you’ll be fine if you just keep your head down and do as you’re told.” He gave Jian Yi a stern look. “You hear me? You’re not allowed to get in trouble with him. It’s not worth it.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Jian Yi mumbled and kicked the floor with his sneaker like a petulant child being told off.

“You, make sure he doesn’t get the whole damn triad mad at him,” Guan Shan said to Zhan Zheng Xi. “I don’t want this place to be in flames when I get back.”

The backdoor clanked, and they quieted down. He Tian brushed past them and picked up his bulging backpack at the door. For a fleeting moment, Guan Shan thought his eyes looked a little red-rimmed but quickly chalked it off as a trick of the lighting.

“We ready to go?”

“Yeah, we’re done.” Guan Shan adjusted the straps of his own bag and gave the shop one last look around. “We’re off, then. Bye.”

They had barely made it halfway down the street to the bus stop when Guan Shan heard someone calling his name behind them. Jian Yi was half running, half slipping on the snow in his sneakers and waving at them to stop.

“Sorry,” he panted and handed a little plastic container to Guan Shan, “I almost forgot to give you this.”

Guan Shan opened the lid slightly. The box was filled to the brim with toasted sunflower seeds.

“For the road. I made them with soya sauce just like she always did.”

“Uh, thanks.”

Jian Yi visibly shivered in the cold without his jacket but didn’t seem to be in a hurry to turn back. Guan Shan was just about to grumble that he won’t pay him for any sick days when Jian Yi suddenly jumped to grab him in a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he said, his voice thick with held-back tears.

Taken aback and embarrassed, Guan Shan froze and sent mute distress signals over to He Tian. The bastard just smirked back and signed that he would go ahead and wait for him at the bus stop. Guan Shan was left in the middle of the street Jian Yi awkwardly clinging on him.

“C’mon now,” he patted clumsily on his shoulder, “I’m gonna miss our bus.”

“Sorry.”

Wiping his wet cheeks Jian Yi pulled back.

“You’ll, uh, you will look after the graves, right? It’s their first holidays together for a long time, so – just, uh…”

“Of course.” Jian Yi managed a watery smile that let some of his usual brightness shine through the tears. “I’ll read all your postcards to them, so you better send a lot. And take care of the tattoo properly. Xixi told me to remind you.”

“Yeah.” Guan Shan shifted and glanced over his shoulder. He Tian’s backpack had disappeared around the corner already.

“Now, c’mon, get!” Jian Yi straightened himself with new determination and shooed him. “He’s gonna leave without you!”

“No such luck.”

By the time he reached the bus stop, it had started snowing, and big, ragged snowflakes fell silently and muted the town around them. He found He Tian by himself, sitting on the weather-beaten, rickety bench and trying to catch the snowflakes with his tongue.

“Did ya cry?” he said with a smirk when Guan Shan slumped down next to him.

“Shut up.”

“They’ll be fine.”

“I know.”

He Tian bumped his shoulder lightly. “So, where to, Mr. Travel Guide?”

Guan Shan glanced at his footsteps that led to the bench and which the snowfall would soon conceal under its blanket like they were never there.

“I’ve always wanted to see wildflowers.”

**The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> Behind the keyboard: [Tumblr](https://notthatiwilleverwriteit.tumblr.com/) | [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/venni.talvi.31) | Instagram: @notthatiwilleverwriteit


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